It’s ok it’s ok it’s ok, you’re safe you’re safe you’re safe.
I think I’m just a naturally mean, bad person, and I’m just THAT good at hiding it. I feel like a Venus fly trap that lures people in with sweetness and then snaps.
No one believes me when I tell them I feel this way. Every time I open up about it, I get reassured that I’m a good person. I want to be a good person, and I need help, but I don’t know how to get them help that I need when I come across so nice…..
I don’t feel a good person would have these thoughts that I have.
I just keep praying to my grandpa, my sister, and my grandma to help me. I know they would understand and be able to share their knowledge. I wish they were here so badly.
I want to be listened to freely without being monetised, but I am just too much.
Maybe I shouldn’t be a prison officer because all I do is pretend to be all that but I’m just not.
Grandpa, Grandma, and Brooke, please give me the strength to keep going. Give me the strength to continue my journey to being a great person. I need you
The feeling if disconnect keeps getting worse and I have no idea how to overcome it. Do I just embrace it and cut myself off from the world and everyone in it?
I’ve been so anxious. My jaw has been shaking. I sat at the doctor for 8 hours on Tuesday and didn’t get seen till 9:50 p.m. By that time, my anxiety had gotten so bad I couldn’t articulate a sentence or stop my jaw from shaking. I ended up having botox down both sides of my face from my neck to the top of my head. Can not wait for it to work.
I feel so heartbroken, but I think a part of me is addicted to it. Asking questions I already know the answer to just to hear it again and hurt myself. Idk it’s weird. Every day, a new wall comes up, and my silly little anxious brain is constantly reinforced.
january is one of those months where you experience every feeling on the human spectrum and you just have to go about your day like that isn’t happening
The psychologist was absolutely useless. My allegergies have been really bad lately too. REALLY BAD.
My thoughts have been spiralling all day and now my bf hates me because I didn’t let him finish a sentence. Ever feel like you have SOOOO many things to work on you just get overwhelmed. Moods, tones, feeling disconnected, low self esteem, walking too fast but don’t answer quickly enough. Trying to do a little bit of everything but failing miserably. Maybe I should stay home more and be less annoying. Idk it just gets me fucked up when I can’t sleep next to him because the room and so dusty and stuffy. I mean the couch is comfy as fuck but damn I miss the butt warming and cuddles. Fuck never thought I’d say that.
Life is weird and I feel so lost. It’s coming up to the 10 year anniversary since my grandpa past and holy hell it still feels like yesterday I was getting woken up at 4am to a call that he wasn’t going to make it long. My sister Brooke died about a month ago too. I wish I was better. I wish I knew her better and was there for her while we got older. I feel so stupid for just not thinking. Where’s my fucking time machine and why do I find it so hard to connect???
I don’t remember the last time I did something that just made me happy. I’m such a fuck up and constantly trying to make up for it. I know I’ll never be able too but its either constantly trying or throwing myself off a cliff.
